Dreaming of my escape

Song of the moment: Dreamland by The Appleseed Cast

hammers and nails i've used them for building my face this time tomorrow.
when i see you again outside.
and inside i can hide my sorrow.
talking in such a dirty way
found a way i could come back.
catch your eye it's just the same as reminding me of what i wanted.
its what you are.
tried my list of all excuses.
ran outside lost in pain.
put it on turn up the music.
laugh and laugh about how lost i was.
it's what you are my friend.
things change you know.
don't stand around and wait.
take a step.
one more step don't fall down balance now.
there's no denying this is what you are
take a step.
one more step don't fall down balance now.
there's no denying this is what you are
take a step.
one more step don't fall down balance now.
there's no denying this is what you are




I have been feeling unusually happy lately. It all ended though, right after I got off the bus about two hours ago. I walked past the Christmas tree lot on my street when I realised that my family and I haven't had a "real" Christmas (presents, family dinner, christmas tree, decorations) in nearly 5 years. I then walked by some homes with decorative Christmas lights and ornaments. I realised how desperately I wanted that whole family Christmas/togetherness vibe, but knew that that will never ever happen... not with my family. We'll probably end up bickering on Christmas Eve and I'll probably call Caroline to see if I can spend Christmas day at her house.

On my melancholy walk home, tears started to fall down my cold, icy face as I stared at the beautifully lighted homes with sadness and envy. I then made up an impromptu poem and said it aloud to myself. It went something like this:



"Dreaming of my escape"

A world of light and beauty sorrounds me.
Houses of red, green and gold
Laughing voices of togetherness and joy
Openly tease me.
Like waving a piece of bread
In front of a famished man
Desperately reaching out
For the inevitable.

A world of light and beauty sorrounds me.
Brightly twinkling shades of yellow
And stars a glow.
Everything looks wonderful.
Everything looks peaceful.
It all sorrounds me,
This black hole that I live in
A tyrant that transforms everything wonderful
To nothing.
I spend my days and nights
Sitting in my aphotic, black room
Enviously staring out the window to
This foreign world
Of light and beauty.



Peter: what do u mean by 'Desperately reaching out
For the inevitable.'
I am NOT pangit: i meant that as "wanting death to come sooner"
I am NOT pangit: i'm going to revise it later
I am NOT pangit: i wrote it down as soon as i got home so i wouldn't forget it
I am NOT pangit: if you're dying of hunger
I am NOT pangit: and someone is teasing you with a piece of bread
I am NOT pangit: wouldn't you want to end your misery asap?
I am NOT pangit: i don't know, i guess that analogy is too much
I am NOT pangit: but that is how i felt




...just in case someone else was confused.